Journal EntriesJournal of a fallen keeperI have always been advised by my teachers that keeping a journal could help quiet troublesome emotions. It has not been much of a problem, but better to start now when I don’t yet need it. I know some acolytes have made writing in their journal part of their morning routine, but I don’t see how there’s time for that between morning meditation, tending the vegetable garden, and time on the watchtower. I might try after my next session in the Scriptorium. The manuscripts give me interesting ideas but I’m not sure I will want to write more after having just spent hours transcribing. Well, I was confined to my quarters for an outburst today, so I guess this is as good a time for an entry as any. I understand that during a Shaping it is vital to not let the Void into your body through expressed emotion, but isn’t that why we’re so careful not to touch the Void outside of dedicated practice sessions? I don’t think the occasional off-the-cuff word about how our watches are rather boring is going to cause corruption to run rampant. Maybe the full Keepers spend more time in the Void, so it is more dangerous? I should ask Keeper Benson at our next lesson. It is difficult to tell when everyone is so controlled all the time, but I think something is worrying the Keepers. We have had more shifts cleaning and repairing the old walls of the sanctuary, and the Circle of Sprouting is being used to hurry harvests. That is normal for the conclusion of autumn, but right now it is barely summer. I’m going to sign up for some overnight shifts to help do my part. I just got back from my monthly visit to Futhorn. I met a man there who knew a surprising amount about the Keepers and our ways even though he said he wasn’t one. He seemed like he enjoyed talking to an acolyte seeking to listen and learn rather than simply spouting doctrine and platitudes. He also told me about a nighttime ceremony that sounds interesting, immediately after next week’s festival. I think I might go if only to see something different for a while. It is so challenging to know what is right. I understand that the ways of the Keepers are the only safe way to shape and wield Void, and I have felt its immense power, so how could I give that up? But (illegible) (illegible) is so limiting, and there is so much more out there in the rest of the world. These people, Denmar and the other Followers of the Lost One, seem to know things about life and the world that I had barely dreamed of. They have strange stories that I’ve never heard of before that seem to get at some universal truth, but challenge a lot of my preconceived notions. I suppose it makes sense that anyone who meets at an invite only temple under the cover of darkness is going to attract some unusual types with their own flair. I’ll keep volunteering for weekly wine delivery to Authorn, to see if I can better understand these ceremonies. Keeper Benson noticed me nodding off again. I don’t think she thinks anything is wrong, but it is a good reminder that I need to focus on my duties here and not get too carried away with the Followers. The keepers were not worried at all! We were not preparing for a disaster, it was a wedding! Keeper Alvar and Keeper Nota are getting married! Though that has raised a lot of questions for me. Only some of which are “delicate.” Alright, the marriage ceremony was lovely, but I definitely have more questions now. Some of the thing Denmar talked about were nagging at me while I listened to all the nice words. The Creed says we will never seek out love’s warmths though we may know it. Am I supposed to imagine that Alvar and Nota just decided to marry over their morning porridge, then? How do you figure out what you feel toward another person if you are not allowed to experience it? And I cannot fathom what it means to “never be seduced by desire” while also getting married. Keeper Benson talked about Balance and the value of having a safe outlet, but it seems to indicate that the kind of dedication we aspire to in our training goes beyond reasonable expectation. This time I really do need to write this journal entry to calm down. I will write out what happened to see if that helps It has been ten days since the wedding, and I suppose I have been getting… (illegible) during lessons. Finally it was too much when I saw Acolyte Loran get talked to because she was crying after she got a letter from home. I actually raised my voice to defend her, and could immediately feel the ire of the Keepers turn on me. They told me to return to my quarters so we could “later discover my turbulent heart” but I would go out of my mind just waiting for them there. I’ve stowed away on one of the wagons and will come back when I’m feeling better. This writing helped a little. My heart isn’t beating as quickly anymore, but I don’t think i’m ready to return yet. What a lucky break! Denmar was traveling to the next village over and I heard him chatting with the wagon driver during a break to do some maintenance on the fabrications. I had to sneak around so he wouldn’t know I had been on the same wagon and ask questions, but he was happy to see me, and suggested that we could travel together if we were going in the same direction. I meant to go back sooner, but maybe a few days out will help clear my mind. I told him we were going the same way, and now I’m with a half-dozen of his family, the Xeraphs, and I feel more camaraderie than I ever did at the sanctuary. These people are so interesting to chat with, too. Apparently before they stopped at the waystation they have been discussing the philosophy of balance verses volition. I don’t feel like I understand all of it, but it was familiar from some of the Keeper’s lessons about our place in the natural world. But here, the focus was on how since all things come to and end as the Void shows us, there is little difference in the grand scheme of things besides how much we make the world a better place for ourselves, in the grand scheme of things besides how much we make the world a better place for ourselves, in the moment. Instead of walking on salt flats, we should choose to take matters into our own hands. Well, that was something. I had said that Denmar knew something of the Keepers’ teachings. It seems to go way beyond that, he actually knows the secret of contacting the Void! He let it slip casually over dinner. I could not resist questioning him a little. I never knew regular people knew such things, but apparently they do! His methods are different than the Keepers’, of course, having come across the practice naturally. I must admit I was nervous about explicitly breaking one of the rules, but he assured me he would be there each step of the way, and he seemed to understand the dangers and what could go wrong. Admittedly, I have never seen any low level corruption before. Or “imbuing” as he calls it. I did once watch the Keepers destroy a corrupted {everbounding coal?] , but I am still not exactly clear on how it got corrupted, or how that connects to feeling emotion while channeling the Void. And… he was right. Nothing felt bad - in fact it was kinda exciting! Maybe it is like eating a sweet - something you shouldn’t do all the time but it can be alright from time to time when you would like to feel good. And Denmar made the compelling point that if the whole point of the Creed is basically “moderation is everything”, then why not this too? He did hint that the Keepers might not understand and could be upset if they notice, so I’ll spend a bit longer with this group until the effects fade. I think it will be a lot easier to bear the lessons and the dedication with some of the things I’ve learned from them. Denmar invited me to join his group on a short trip to Gi. I haven’t been before, and I had told myself that what I needed was a change of scenery. Why not make it literal? It was very interesting to get a look at one of the Gates since I understood something about Void rituals, and see how Void energy constantly swirls around the boundaries, making a path between the two worlds. Here in Gi, I met some other Followers. It seems like Demnar’s group was catching up with them. They were very friendly and approachable, and once again exposed me to a lot of new ideas. I guess that makes sense if Denmar has been sharing teachings from Gi, not [Morodynve?]. Apparently some of these people think there is a power somewhere in Gi that could be harnessed with the Void. It would be much more present and direct than the Void, able to shape the world without needing years of study. In any case it is surely a long way off, and it’s clear the Followers carefully try things out before taking larger steps. Speaking of, a few of them invited me to come with them to practice self-animation by Void, which is deeply unnerving, but I have to try that, right? Their methods are definitely less peaceful than Keeper doctrine, but they get results. I can see now what a fool I have been. The Keepers believe they hold the only Keys to Power, but I understand how limited their ways are. What a mistake it is to touch the Void and only feel fear, as they do. The Void is within me, speaking to me and empowering me. It grants me power, to make my will manifest. Power the Keepers denied to me and that the departed gods are incapable of providing. We go next to the tomb of a priest of a Lost One, to see what holy secrets may be learned. From there, possibilities open up like the Sea of Void. I have no need to hide my emotions from others or myself within these pages. From now on, they will be the current that bears me forward.  |
Created by Elora K (Thei Riley) at 01-02-23 11:37 PM
Last Modified by Elora K (Thei Riley) at 01-02-23 11:54 PM